Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.